You know that nursery rhyme “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”? It’s bullshit. Words do matter. Words are very powerful because they come with intention — to harm, to delight, to connect, to cause suffering, etc.; words can even leave you feeling confused, hopeless, frustrated, or even enraged.
I know this happens to me. What about you? Do you ever take what people say and internalize it as true, absorbing their opinions of you? Can you recall a time when someone totally disregarded your experience? Or maybe you’ve done this yourself and given advice to a friend in pain or despair.
One common denominator of the impact of these experiences is disconnection — from ourselves, from what we want, and from each other. It’s like one big “WTF?”
But there is another type of response that can provide clarity within confusion, peace within rage. If you knew that you could support the people you love better than you ever have before, would you do it? Well first, you need to understand why some responses are unhelpful. Then you can practice alternatives.
Why Empathy Matters
It’s all about empathy. Now hear me out, because I’m sure at this point you are rolling your eyes at this buzzy buzz word.
Learning empathy is one way to stop taking things personally, ask for exactly what you need without the vice grip of expectations, and know what kind of support to offer a person close to you. Empathy offers a lens to what’s underneath someone’s comment. It creates distance from their pain and yours by pointing to their unmet needs rather than what you (or they) are doing wrong.
But empathy is so very hard to practice, especially in the workplace where many of us feel like our very survival is dependent on people liking us. If your boss doesn’t like you, do you feel secure in your job? Likely not.
Empathy is very easy to understand but difficult to practice. That’s because it’s not what many of us are taught from a young age. Most of us are taught to “man up” and “stop being a crybaby.” And in my case, people in my life will often say to me, “Kat, you should be better at communicating because you teach this.” They forget I’m human too, and that I struggle with the exact same things they do. Furthermore, I end up feeling shame because I, too, think I should be “doing empathy” better.
However simple empathy is to understand, it is not easy to practice. To get better at it requires a ton of repetition and a ton of feedback. But the investment is worth it.
What is Empathy?
What exactly is empathy? There are many different definitions but I think the point of empathy, regardless of how you define it or practice it, is about connection to life. Empathy transcends conflict and difficulty communicating. It helps us understand the root of a problem in a way that is unifying, not dividing.
I love this definition of empathy from Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, who developed nonviolent communication (NVC). He says, “Empathy is presence. Pure presence to what is alive in a person at this moment, bringing nothing from the past.” He also says, “Empathy is an energy that’s alive in every person at every moment. Unfortunately, many of us are blocked from that energy by the way we’ve been taught to think. But for me, empathy is getting with that energy that’s coming through the other person. It’s an experience.”
It’s an experience that can be difficult to describe. To that end, I want to illustrate what empathy is not.
What Empathy is Not
Imagine a close friend or family member saying to you, “Sometimes I hate my job; My colleagues are such idiots.” What would your response be? Take a moment now to respond out loud to yourself.
Was your response one of the examples below?
Comparing and One-upping
Friend: “Sometimes I hate my job; my colleagues are such idiots.”
You: “You think your colleagues are idiots — let me tell you about the imbeciles at my job.”
Sometimes other people’s challenges trigger our own. It’s challenging to sit with their upset, especially when you are having a rough time too. If you don’t have the space to give someone empathy, that’s ok. And it’s important to notice the type of responses you give to the people you care about and the impact that response has on them.
Educating and Advising
Friend: “Sometimes I hate my job; my colleagues are such idiots.”
Your response: “Have you read 10 Tips for Dealing With Difficult People? I got a lot out of it and think it could really help you get along with your coworkers better.”
The desire to share resources is noble and probably helpful some of the time. But it’s not empathy; it’s a form of giving advice. Also, have you ever given advice to someone who didn’t take it and then you got mad at them for not listening to you? Chances are that person didn’t need your advice; they needed empathy.
When you give someone the gift of acceptance to be upset and support them to find the root cause of the pain, they almost always find the solution that works best for them. And who knows, they might even ask you to remind them of that blog article you advised they read.
Discounting
Friend: “Sometimes I hate my job; my colleagues are such idiots.”
You: “What with so many people getting laid off, you should be grateful you have a job.”
Discounting is a way of offering the other person a different perspective. Often a new perspective doesn’t actually make the other person feel better about their job. You could try asking if they’d like your perspective, but there’s a good chance the answer to that will be no.
The ability to actually see multiple perspectives and make decisions from a bird’s eye view comes only when one isn’t tired, hungry, exhausted, or angry. In other words, well-resourced.
Fixing and Counseling.
Friend: “Sometimes I hate my job; my colleagues are such idiots.”
You: “Don’t worry. We’ll figure this out. I’m here for you.”
This response is very common and is often mixed with giving advice. You want to fix their problem for them. Chances are you do this because you don’t want to see them in pain. It could also be that you are triggered by either the situation they are going through, or the fact that they are in pain, and you want to feel better about it so you offer to help.
It’s natural to want to ease someone else’s suffering. Remember, though, there is quite possibly a transformation waiting on the other side of suffering for that person.
Sympathy
Friend: “Sometimes I hate my job; my colleagues are such idiots.”
You: “Oh you poor dear. I’m so sorry to hear that.”
People often confuse sympathy and empathy but they are different. Brené Brown has a great video about this. Responding to your friend complaining about their colleagues with pity and sorrow is sympathy.
Or put another way, it’s feeling bad that they’re feeling bad. This is another common response because we think it’s empathy.
Data Gathering and Interrogating.
Friend: “Sometimes I hate my job; my colleagues are such idiots.”
You: “What exactly did your colleagues do to piss you off? Have they done it before?”
You may ask questions because you want to help the person get to the root of the problem so they can solve it. Or you may be dodging the difficult feelings you have over your friend being upset. Or both.
Either way, this response is given out of self-interest and doesn’t actually support the person to find the answers on their own. It might be a helpful response when the other person is stuck. But I doubt it.
Explaining and defending.
Friend: “Sometimes I hate my job; my colleagues are such idiots.”
You: “Well, I know I have bad days myself. You can’t expect everyone to perform their best 100% of the time.”
Sometimes you identify with the person in the story so much you feel the need to defend them. But remember, this way of responding is about your needs. You shift the focus away from your friend and back onto you.
Analyzing
Friend: “Sometimes I hate my job; my colleagues are such idiots.”
You: “Where else does this show up in your life? Maybe you think everyone else is always to blame but they’re not.”
Data gathering, analyzing, and advising all go hand-in-hand. Again, this type of response is usually an attempt to support the other person in taking ownership of what’s difficult and finding solutions to tackle the problem. But it tends to backfire.
You can’t transform someone’s hardship; they ultimately have to do it themselves. You can only act as a guide to help them see what they might not yet see.
What’s Wrong With Giving Advice?
I imagine that many of the ways you respond to someone else’s pain are attempts at connection and support. But in my experience, nine times out of 10, all people first want is empathy, not a savior to fix their problems. People just want someone to listen to them.
After receiving empathy, then they are more likely to be ready for problem-solving; but prior to that, everyone just wants to be seen and heard. Offering empathy diffuses the energy and puts us in a more level-headed place.
Empathy in Action
After learning what empathy is not, what then is an empathic response to, “Sometimes I hate my job, my colleagues are such idiots”? The answer is, it depends.
You could try the Nonviolent Communication way of guessing feelings and needs and say, “Are you frustrated? Do you need harmony and shared reality?” Asking questions about what a person is experiencing in the present moment can diffuse high-intensity feelings and calm the person down. It can create distance between the person’s narrative and what they really want. Pinpointing their precise feelings and needs doesn’t matter. The important part is your presence — you are attempting to understand the other person and that’s when connection happens.
But offering this kind of empathy could also backfire, especially if it’s not the way you normally respond. The person might feel defensive and angry at you now, thinking you’re trying to analyze them. This is why it’s so important to practice NVC empathy with other people who are also practicing it before you try it on the closest people in your life.
If you do attempt the NVC approach, you can inform the person that you are attempting to connect because you care about them; and you are attempting this new style of communication. My NVC trainer, Thom Bond from NYCNVC, calls this “preparing people for your weirdness.”
It doesn’t really matter what words you use because empathy is about connection to life. Stories are only alive within a person, not on their own. They are ripe with the meaning that we give them. Therefore, your presence is the greatest gift you can offer.
As you practice empathy, you might find you want to give the right response, but that still inhibits you from being there fully with the other person. Where you want to get to with empathy is to let go of any attachment to being right about the other person’s experience or trying to “fix it” for them. Try to suspend all judgment and any personal agenda you have as you listen to someone. It’s a difficult task, but a meaningful one that will change your relationship(s) forever.
What follows is a list of my favorite resources to learn more about empathy. I’m also available for teaching empathy to teams. Schedule your exploratory call with me today.
Resources
New York Center for Nonviolent Communication
Bay Area Nonviolent Communication
