When it comes to pain, people often react instinctively, without much extra thought. If the pain is coming from putting your hand on a hot stove, then a quick instinctive reaction is necessary and welcomed. But what about other kinds of pain? What about emotional pain? Is reacting to pain instinctively helpful or harmful? The truth is, you won’t know unless you investigate.
Oftentimes I see companies approaching LUMAN for guidance because they’re experiencing some sort of pain — maybe there’s conflict among team members, profits are down, or morale is low. They want us to “fix” the problem, implement solutions, and call it a day. However, that’s not sustainable. Real, long-term change stems from internal motivation. Without it, the solutions don’t stick.
Practice Awareness
It’s only through reflection and integration that you’ll have more choices in how you respond in your life and at work, because you’ll be able to determine if a behavior is one you want to engage in or not. Responding with more choice takes practice because you’re growing your ability to be conscious, to be aware of how you instinctively respond, and how you’d like to respond. Without awareness, you’ll just keep doing the same thing over and over. For instance, let’s say you’re the type of person who learned you are only safe and loved if you’re pleasing others (a people pleaser). That means if someone is angry at you, it likely feels excruciating and you want to fix it immediately. Maybe along with that, you spend all day tracking other people’s responses: “Is that colleague mad at me? Did the boss like my presentation?” It can be depleting and distracting to expend so much energy focusing outward.
Humans are relational, and connection leads to more happiness, including at work, but sometimes people are just cranky and it has nothing to do with you. By acting in a habituated way, i.e., people-pleasing, you’re causing yourself unnecessary pain. Sometimes it makes sense to keep the peace, I’m not saying all people-pleasing is harmful, but do you feel empowered in how you react?
The first step in having more agency with your reactions is practicing awareness. Awareness of your habits, incessant thought chatter, judgements, likes and dislikes, etc. After awareness, then you’re able to take responsibility for yourself and your actions. Then you can make changes, but not before. A caveat here: True awareness requires curiosity and no hidden agenda. If you’re entering into the awareness process with the idea something has to change, you’re not alone. The superego likes to get involved; however, you are likely to miss something. The superego will say, “I already know what the problem is,” and will focus on doing the “right” thing and not doing the “wrong” thing. In this way, self-inquiry will no longer be a neutral process. And if that happens, bring it into your awareness. Remember, this is a process, a lifelong journey of discovery.
For Everyone’s Safety, Slow Down
Awareness is a time to create space for reflection and integration of your learnings. That’s it. We’re all moving so fast and there’s much information coming our way, it’s important to take time and pause. To be with ourselves without a distraction. For me, I find using a grounding token helps with this process. Maybe it’s a rock crystal, or maybe it’s noticing a place in my body that feels neutral and safe. When I can access that safe, neutral place, then I’m able to ask myself deep questions, whether that’s by journaling about them or speaking them out loud.
Some questions I’ve found useful are the following:
- What is my relationship to pain (physical, emotional, other people’s, etc.)?
- How do I avoid pain?
- When I’m uncomfortable, I immediately do ______.
- Where am I avoiding connection at work?
- What’s painful or uncomfortable at my job?
Once you’ve answered those questions, take some time with them. You could even ask them again a week later. Notice how it feels to learn more about yourself. Are your actions/reactions ones you want to keep doing? Or do you want to try something different? There are no right or wrong answers here. It all comes down to continuous learning and evolution. If you want to talk about this some more, schedule a video chat with me. I’d love to hear what you’re discovering.
