There’s a lot to be cranky about in the world: Covid-19 inhibiting much of what we do, Trump might get elected a second term, and if you live in California, smoke from the fires has been suffocating. I’m discovering how best to deal with it. Turns out, crankiness is a part of life. The sooner I accept that I am sometimes going to be cranky, the easier it is to free myself of judgment and self-criticism. But how the heck can you accept something you don’t even enjoy? Well here’s the thing, the vast majority of us think about feelings in terms of “good” and “bad.” Feeling happy is good, but feeling cranky is bad. However, we can choose a different perspective; that life is not dualistic, it is a spectrum.
Marshall Rosenberg, creator of Nonviolent Communication, taught me that life, and all the feelings that arise within each moment, exist on a spectrum. When some of our needs are met, we might feel happy. When many of our needs are met at the same time, we might feel joyous. When our needs are not met, we might feel annoyed. And when many of our needs are not met, or the same need keeps being denied over and over again, we might feel downright enraged.
Personally, I’ve been practicing more acceptance when “bad” feelings, or rather, feelings associated with unmet needs, arise. I’m even toying with the idea that I can be content while also living through the feeling states associated with unmet needs (cranky, tired, stressed).
Gasp! Why would I want to do that? Why is it important to find some acceptance with the states that are uncomfortable? I reject feeling cranky because I know it colors my entire experience, and I am more reactive. When I’m cranky, I have less patience and I’m not the parent, partner, friend, or employee I want to be. If I’ve woken up cranky and bullied myself for having those feelings, the crankiness becomes exponential. It colors my interactions with everyone. If you’re cranky while trying to give feedback on something or to someone, chances are you will express yourself in a way that you will regret later.
It’s not really fair to judge yourself because cranky is a part of life. And I want to live in a world where that’s acceptable.
The kind of world I’d like to live in is one where we see each other’s crankiness, recognizing we’ve also been in that state. And because of that recognition, we have a little more understanding, compassion, and even care and consideration for each other. I’d like to live in a world where I can step into a work meeting and say, “I’m happy to be here today, but I’m cranky,” and a colleague next to me says, “How can I support you?”
I want to live in a world where in our work environments, we can lightly share our feelings. (I say lightly here because as I wrote about in a previous blog, the workplace is not your therapist’s office. The office serves a very specific purpose, and it’s not to provide emotional support, but let’s have a little bit more tolerance for feelings, please!).
Accepting and sharing my feelings in this way keeps them from perpetuating. Meaning, if I wake up and everything is wrong — my husband, my son, myself — I can either accept I’m having a rough morning, or get mad at myself for having a rough morning. I’ve tried bullying myself out of my feelings and that just doesn’t work. Saying to yourself, “You should be grateful. You have a good life,” doesn’t help you or anyone else even if that is true. There’s a time and place for gratitude of course, and yes, it’s possible gratitude could bring you relief from feeling cranky, but not if you’re practicing gratitude because you think you should.
How does this relate to the work environment? When you start to build the muscle of awareness and acceptance around your feelings, then you can have a more appropriate response in any given situation.
I care about the way I express myself and how it lands on other people. I care about the impact I have when I speak to my colleagues, or play with my son, or do my work. I care because every action has a ripple effect. Knowing that, I’m trying to hold space for numerous things — that I’m cranky, that it’s hard to be nice, patient, and gentle when I’m cranky, and that I want to act differently. The reality is, maybe you’re not going to act in the same way as when you’re more resourced and filled with love, joy, and peace. And that’s ok.
Once you’re aware that your response will likely be different, you can choose how to act. You can be still and sit with the discomfort. You can also tell yourself or a trusted colleague what’s going on for you. You can metaphorically fill a bucket with all your grievances and then put the bucket aside for a bit so you can focus on the kind of impact that you’ll be proud of.
If you’re feeling cranky at work, I invite you to try the following exercise:
Step 1.) Find a trusted colleague or call a friend, someone you know is a good listener and won’t judge you for the content of what you will say. If you don’t have anyone who’s a good listener, then instead of expressing how you feel to another person, record yourself on your phone or on paper. Freespeak or freewrite about all your annoying feelings with no filter. (You’re not looking for advice here so make sure the person you’re sharing with knows that in advance.)
Step 2.) If you’re writing the way you feel, literally put it in a bucket or some other container and move it to another room. You can come back to your feelings whenever you desire, but for now, they’re in a bucket or container somewhere else.
Step 3.) Now take a big belly breath and focus on your next action, whether that’s responding to someone, working on a contract, or watching a child. Whatever the next action is, consider what perspective you’d like to have when doing that action. For instance, nonreactive, patient, relaxed, etc.
Step 4.) See how that sits with you. Notice what happens. You’re not trying to change yourself or anything; you’re just creating space for a different perspective.
If you find yourself struggling with this practice, reach out to me. I’m happy to provide a free nonjudgmental consultation where we bring clarity to your challenges. https://calendly.com/katnadel/exploratorycall
