In case you haven’t noticed, there’s a war happening. Yes, we’ve had wars in the past, even in the recent past, but what’s going on in Ukraine is the worst refugee crisis since World War II, according to Reuters. I’m experiencing a lot of grief, and I also want to show my support to the Ukrainian people by helping you understand how to communicate with them compassionately.
More than anything, Ukrainian people get to have the stage right now. Many of them need to and want to talk about what’s going on (although, some don’t and the first compassionate thing you can do is to be OK with that). They want to express themselves and they need a place to vent. They might just want to hear from you, “How are you? What’s going on? Do you want to talk about it?” Let Ukrainians go first and if they take up a lot of time, great. I encourage you to start your meetings this way. Maybe you tell your Ukrainian coworker, “I have 10 minutes before my next meeting. Do you want to talk about what’s going on?”
Recognize that Ukrainian employees may want to work, to keep their minds off of what’s going on. And yet, you might also want to lower your expectations of Ukrainian employees who perhaps have family in a literal war zone. They may not be good at their job right now. We can’t pretend things are “normal” and that means not only giving Ukrainian people the opportunity to express themselves and space to make many mistakes, it also means supporting them emotionally. Nothing is more important than relationships, even in business, so with that in mind, there are certain things you should not say to Ukrainian workers right now.
The Trouble Is. . .
By and large, we live in a society where pain is not openly welcomed. Most of us are uncomfortable with pain, aren’t trained to be empathic, and so we (understandably) usually react badly to situations like the one in Ukraine, typically with eight responses that suck.
I trust that if you’re in touch with a Ukrainian person at work, you naturally want to help them. But wanting to respond from a place of care and actually doing it are two different things. If you’re responding in ways I’ve listed below, you must know that these responses are more about you and your discomfort with their pain and not about your Ukrainian colleague and their pain.
I’ll use role playing a conversation as an example. If you ask a Ukrainian, “How are you?” and they respond, “I’m completely in shock. My brother is fighting in the war and my parents are in a bomb shelter. I’m so worried.” What do you say?
Go ahead and take a moment to respond out loud.
Now, did you say any of the following?
Discounting
Ukrainian: “I’m completely in shock. My brother is fighting in the war and my parents are in a bomb shelter. I’m so worried.”
You: “That’s so tough. But at least your parents are alive.”
I know it’s tempting to “see the bright side of things,” but what you’re doing here is discounting their experience. You’re telling this person that how they feel at this moment doesn’t matter because it could always be worse. That doesn’t make anyone feel better. In fact, it’s worse because you’re “shoulding” the other person as if they’re not supposed to feel what they’re feeling or experience what they’re experiencing. You’re offering a different perspective at the cost of their reality.
Comparing and One-Upping
Ukrainian: “I’m completely in shock. My brother is fighting in the war and my parents are in a bomb shelter. I’m so worried.”
You: “You think that’s bad? I can’t afford to get to work because gas prices have gone up so much, but I also can’t work from home so I’m totally screwed.”
Sometimes other people’s challenges trigger our own. It’s hard to sit with other people’s upset, especially when you are having a rough time too. Your pain, your problems are also real and valid. There’s a time and place for them to be expressed but do they need to be expressed to this particular person right now? You’d be better off sharing with someone who is not Ukrainian unless you’re VERY clear they can hear what you’re going through as well.
Advising
Ukrainian: “I’m completely in shock. My brother is fighting in the war and my parents are in a bomb shelter. I’m so worried.”
You: “You should really take some time off.”
Advising someone isn’t necessarily bad, but how often do you want unasked-for advice? Rarely. What if working is the only thing that’s keeping the Ukrainian employee sane? What if it distracts them from the war? Part of the problem with advising is it leaves no room for the other person to feel what they’re feeling. In essence, you’re saying, “I know what’s best for you.” Telling someone they should take time off is a directive, not a conversation, and it doesn’t offer connection.
Fixing and Counseling
Ukrainian: “I’m completely in shock. My brother is fighting in the war and my parents are in a bomb shelter. I’m so worried.”
You: “Don’t worry, it’s going to be OK.”
This is a common response because it comes from the desire to fix the pain, push it away, and give them a better outlook. The problem with this response is that you don’t actually know if it will be OK. Furthermore, you’re not in the present moment with the person in front of you. You probably aren’t a psychic; you don’t know what’s going to happen and can’t predict the future.
Data Gathering and Interrogating
Ukrainian: “I’m completely in shock. My brother is fighting in the war and my parents are in a bomb shelter. I’m so worried.”
You: “Have you spoken to your parents? Have you sent them any money? Did you purchase a plane ticket for them out of a neighboring country? I’ve heard a lot of people are going to Romania.”
Asking questions shows you care, but it can also feel like an interrogation. Are your questions coming from a place of discomfort because you don’t know how to respond? Also, maybe your Ukrainian colleague doesn’t want to talk about it. Or they don’t want to talk to you about it.
Asking questions sets up a dynamic where the other person feels like they have to respond so they don’t come off looking like a jerk. Instead, you could ask, “Would you like to talk about what’s happening?” which creates space for the person to say yes or no. And if they say, “no,” respect their decision.
Explaining and Defending
Ukrainian: “I’m completely in shock. My brother is fighting in the war and my parents are in a bomb shelter. I’m so worried.”
You: “Putin is doing this in response to NATO. He’s just trying to defend his country.”
If you really care about the Ukrainian person you’re talking to, leave your politics out of your interaction. Their feelings are not about your explanation, your defense, or your opinions about what’s happening. If you’re seeing the other side, you’re not seeing the person in pain who is in front of you.
And listen, I know Putin has his own pain, his own needs like contribution, purpose, and connection. I understand he’s prioritizing his people over the good of humanity and that he still has good qualities, that he’s a complex human being like all of us are complex human beings, but that’s not something to say at this moment to a Ukrainian colleague who is upset. While cultivating empathy and transforming “enemy images” is a powerful practice, it’s probably not the right time to do so.
Sympathy
Ukrainian: “I’m completely in shock. My brother is fighting in the war and my parents are in a bomb shelter. I’m so worried.”
You: “Oh my gosh! You poor dear. I feel the exact same way.”
No, you don’t. You don’t feel the exact same way even if you’re also worried. What you’re doing here is responding with sympathy, which includes pity and sorrow. You feel bad that they feel bad, which makes sense, but does it offer connection and healing? Does the Ukrainian person truly feel seen, heard, or understood? Probably not.
Try Empathy Instead
You’ve learned what not to say, so how then do you respond to a Ukrainian at work? With empathy. There are many different definitions of empathy, but the point is to connect. Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, who developed nonviolent communication (NVC) said, “Empathy is presence. Pure presence to what is alive in a person at this moment, bringing nothing from the past.” He also says, “Empathy is an energy that’s alive in every person at every moment. Unfortunately, many of us are blocked from that energy by the way we’ve been taught to think. But for me, empathy is getting with that energy that’s coming through the other person. It’s an experience.”
For a Ukrainian person that says, “I’m completely in shock. My brother is fighting in the war and my parents are in a bomb shelter. I’m so worried,” you could try the NVC approach of guessing feelings and needs or even a warm and caring silence.
You could say, “Oh wow. I hear you. That sounds scary. Are you worried and afraid?”
Reading that, you may say to yourself, “That’s so dumb. They just said they’re worried.” Yes! Exactly! You are mirroring back their feelings, showing that you see them and hear them. You could also take it a step further after they respond with, “yes,” and say, “Are you longing for peace of mind?”
Even if you guess incorrectly, even if you don’t pinpoint their precise feelings and needs, that’s fine. The important part is your presence — you are attempting to understand this person in front of you, and that’s when connection happens. Let go of any attachment to being right about the other person’s experience of trying to “fix it” for them.
However, guessing feelings and needs can feel awkward so another option is to stay silent to give the person time and space to share more. You could also ask the person if they have more they’d like to express. Empathy is an invitation for connection and support, so do what feels right in the moment whether that’s guessing feelings and needs, staying silent, or asking if the person has more to share.
Try to suspend all judgment and any personal agenda you have as you listen to someone. It’s a difficult task, but a meaningful one. And it’s something you can do, right now, to support the Ukrainians in your life.
For more NVC resources, check out the links below.
Resources
New York Center for Nonviolent Communication
Bay Area Nonviolent Communication
