Since shelter-in-place, separation between work life and home life has gone out the window. And now with more people working from home than ever before, many of us don’t even have a separate physical space to perform our job. Setting up shop on the kitchen table and finding a good background for Zoom meetings is common. This makes focusing challenging right now because home life and work life are competing for our attention. You may be a parent who no longer has childcare to enable you to focus on work. I get it, I’m in the same position, and sometimes instead of working, I find myself distracted, googling things like: “Activities to entertain a toddler that don’t require adult supervision” and “Am I a bad mom for wanting to work?”
However, you don’t have to be a parent to feel distracted right now. You can feel distracted for a variety of reasons. Maybe you’re bummed out that you can’t spend a night out on the town with your friends. Or your birthday party is over Zoom instead of in person. Maybe you’re feeling the loss at not being able to go camping with your partner. All of that, all of those hard feelings, are dubbed emotional pain and it has a similar effect as physical pain. When people feel emotional pain, the same areas of the brain get activated as when people feel physical pain: the anterior insula and the anterior cingulate cortex, according to psychology professor Alan Fogel, PhD. He writes, “The brain is massively interconnected with the rest of the body. There are direct neural connections via the brainstem and spinal cord.”
No one would question that having a migraine means less capacity to perform at work. But how many people actually acknowledge that emotional pain does the same thing? Instead we’re told “mind over matter” or “get a grip,” but emotional pain can feel as intense as physical pain and emotional pain can create physical pain.
“When the mind thwarts the flow of emotions because they are too overwhelming or too conflicting, it puts stress on the mind and the body, creating psychological distress and symptoms,” writes psychoanalyst Hilary Jacobs Hendel. “Emotional stress, like that from blocked emotions, has not only been linked to mental ills, but also to physical problems like heart disease, intestinal problems, headaches, insomnia, and autoimmune disorders. Most people are ruled by their emotions without any awareness that this is happening. But once you realize the power of emotions, simply acknowledging your own can help greatly.”
There’s a certain norm or standard at work that confirms people should not be emotional. It has often been a sign of weakness or inefficiency. In her interview with NVC Academy, Miki Kashtan of BayNVC says, “The norm creates a barrier to the truth of who we are. So the question is, what do we do about that norm? … One is that the purpose of the work that we’re doing in the workplace is to produce something. It’s not to come and have buddies and connect and enjoy ourselves and all of that. Sure, it’s great, it’s fantastic, it’s wonderful … but there is a subtle thing about purpose. ‘Why am I here?’ So I want to ask myself, ‘Is the emotion I’m having relevant to the purpose at hand?’ If it isn’t, then I want to work with it and integrate it and bookmark it. If it is relevant to the purpose, then I want to bring it forth.”
How can you skillfully bring forth your emotions (and know whether the feeling is relevant to the purpose at hand)? There are a lot of methods out there like EFT/tapping, journaling, authentic relating, and empathy to name a few, that could work for different people. The way I sit with painful emotions is through meditation and empathy. Why empathy? Because it gives me more information about the pain I’m feeling, gets me out of my head or story, and puts me in touch with universal human needs.
According to the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) model, emotional pain, whether it’s in the form of fear, anger, sadness, depression, anxiety, etc., is due to universal human needs not being met, such as connection or fun. It may not feel like it, but this pain is actually a helpful reminder that there are needs in our lives that are really important to us. NVC founder Dr. Marshall Rosenberg describes pain as a gift in his book The Surprising Purpose of Anger.
Many of us live the example of pain being useful with physical exercise — we literally put ourselves through physical pain/strain so we can do things like hold our 20-pound child for an hour, or build up our stamina and flexibility to endure the constant barrage of demands in the workplace.
The major stimulus of the pain many of us are enduring right now relates to COVID-19. Life is harder for everyone because this pandemic constrains and limits us. In our rush to make life better or “normal,” we may want to skip over the step of acknowledging our difficulty with this time and feeling the pain of that. We may try to pretend we can carry on working like we did before and then feel frustrated when that’s not possible. Instead of brushing it aside, I invite you to feel your feelings.
Pain is uncomfortable and many of us try to avoid feeling pain at all costs. It’s the reason why there is an increase in alcohol sales, video gaming, online gambling, etc., according to this Forbes article. But there’s value in feeling pain because the more we can learn to be uncomfortable, the more resilient we become. And the more resilient we become dealing with smaller stressors like work challenges, the more adept and resourced we will be when dealing with the bigger stressors, like a global pandemic for instance!
It may help to think of pain as one side of a coin and celebration as the other side. When we sit with pain long enough, listening to what it’s telling us, we learn something. We learn what we are mourning, what’s missing. We learn what human needs are so important to us, what we celebrate when we have it, that we’re willing to go to any lengths, including causing others pain, to bring awareness to it.
Below is an exercise that can help you bring awareness to your emotions. I invite you to try it for 10 minutes. You are welcome to spend longer than 10 minutes, but I find that at least 10 minutes is enough time to experience the entire sequence.
Find a quiet space where you can work alone.
Step 1.) Start with acceptance. Spend 2 minutes focusing on your breath. Be aware that we do not tell the breath to go away. It comes and goes, and we accept that. It is a natural part of our existence and keeps us alive. Difficult emotions also are part of our nature. They, too, remind us we are alive.
Step 2.) Ask yourself the question: “What pain am I holding right now?” Journal about the answer for 3 minutes.
Step 3.) Read what you wrote, then ask yourself the question, “What needs are unmet?” For help, refer to the Feelings and Needs Sheet.
Step 4.) Once you identify the unmet needs, ask yourself, “Now, in this moment, what am I feeling?” and see what happens. Maybe you’ll cry or scream. Maybe you’ll notice thoughts come up that want to distract you from your pain, but keep coming back to your feelings. Let your body experience what it’s like to have unmet needs. Remember these feelings will pass.
Step 5.) Now take a look at the beautiful needs you are so longing to have. Let your mind wander to any times when these needs were met and feel into just how important these needs are to you. Trust that they will be met again.
If you’re unsure how to do this alone, or want me to guide you through this exercise, schedule an exploratory call with me. I’m here to support you: https://calendly.com/katnadel/exploratorycall.
In my next blog, I’ll talk more in depth about feelings in the workplace so stay tuned!
