With the passing of the fall equinox and temperatures shifting, you may feel an internal shift. As the days get shorter and the nights longer, now is the time to slow down. That doesn’t necessarily mean getting less done, by the way. My work is actually gaining momentum, but I’m approaching it with a renewed focus because I’m less scattered energetically. I’m centering myself by turning inward, and that means I have more capacity to show up for myself and others.
One tool I use for slowing down in the fall season while also staying productive and connected to myself, my work, and my family is gratitude. If you haven’t already heard, a gratitude practice is good for your mental health and emotional resilience. The more you practice that feeling of appreciation for met needs and the beautiful things in your life, the easier it is to shift out of feelings associated with unmet needs.
If you have heard all of this before, then you might experience this blog as just another annoying message that you should have a gratitude practice. I get it. I’ve been there. The “I should practice gratitude” thoughts often emerge right when I’m feeling particularly disgruntled or peeved about something. Shoulding myself only adds to feeling crummy.
And yet, when I finally decided to give it a go, I noticed results. It’s a funny thing, the way I resist things that are actually good for me. That’s another blog post for another time. The point is that, yes, gratitude practices support your immune system and give you a hit of feel-good hormones. They’re catchy too — now my husband and my son both initiate conversations of gratitude at dinner time. So yes, I’m an advocate and I highly recommend starting a gratitude practice when it’s easy, not when you’re in a kerfuffle.
There are many ways to approach a gratitude practice. I’m going to name just a couple.
- Using memory or imagination to meet unmet needs
- Cultivating gratitude through identifying met needs
Remembering When Needs Were Met
The philosophy of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is that your feelings act as messengers, pointing toward needs. When your needs are met, you feel emotions such as joy, tranquility, and enchantment, as you can see from this feelings and needs sheet. These are the moments when it’s easy to practice gratitude.
So what do you do when the opposite is true — when signals of unmet needs appear such as irritability, anger, overwhelm, burnout, etc.? If certain needs aren’t getting met, are you doomed to feel frustrated forever? No.
The cool thing about NVC is you can use your imagination or memory to meet your needs. All it takes is an NVC meditation, which I’ve outlined below.
- Set aside a quick 5 minutes for yourself. That may be when you first wake up or during your lunch break.
- Get in touch with one need that is currently not met in your life. A good entry point is starting with a feeling. For example: “I’m angry because my need for support is severely unmet.” I suggest picking the one need that is the most charged for you, the one causing the most distress.
- Remember a time when that need was met in a joyful, loving, and nurturing way. Allow yourself to bask in that memory. If you can’t remember a time when the need was met, imagine meeting the need. The body doesn’t know the difference between memory and imagination — the same biochemical processes will occur with either.
- Let yourself fully take in that image by exploring all the details — sights, sounds, smells, etc. associated with the image. Allow yourself to feel on a physical level what it’s like to meet that need.
- When you’re ready, open your eyes.
Amplify Gratitude with NVC
One way to heighten your feeling of gratitude is by recognizing the needs in your life that are met. For instance, I have a bouquet of sunflowers on my table. Looking at them this morning, I noticed appreciation welling up in my body. I told my son that they bring me beauty and joy, and he took a moment to appreciate them too.
Take a look at the things you have around your room. Consider what needs those items are meeting for you. Maybe your favorite chair provides comfort or security. Your phone provides connection. Your book provides entertainment or clarity. You get the idea.
You can also get in touch with gratitude for a person: “I’m grateful for my friend because she meets my needs for friendship, connection, and shared reality.” Or a situation: “I’m grateful for my job because it meets my needs for contribution, purpose, and connection.”
Let yourself list as many items as you desire, whether that’s three or 30. By doing so, you’ll likely amplify your feeling of celebration and contentment that go along with gratitude. My family and I sometimes play “Three Gratitudes” at breakfast or dinner. Can you list three things you are grateful for?
Multi-talented writer, speaker, and teacher Dr. Bayo Akomolafe says, “The times are urgent; let us slow down. Slowing down is losing our way — not a human capacity or human capability. It is the invitations that are now in the world-at-large, inviting us to listen deeply, to be keen, to be fresh, to be quick with our heels, to follow the sights and sounds and smells of the world.”
One way to follow the sights, sounds, and smells of the world is to practice gratitude. I hope for you these practices bring you peace and a little more ease in your life.
